I am tired. Worn out. Mentally exhausted. Emotionally empty. I am surviving on very few hours of sleep, an aching lower back pain, probably related to the C-section scar, a mountain of laundry, and an empty fridge.
A few weeks ago, I told E that I wanted to be treated out to a nice typical Mother’s Day brunch because it is my first Mother’s Day celebration. He made reservation at a fancy french restaurant in San Diego. My sister offered to babysit while we dine and wine. I had been really excited to tell the world that I am, too, a mother!
Last night, I felt so tired. O has been going through so many milestones: rolling over by himself and almost sitting up. This morning, he is sticking out his tongue rigorously. Due to all the exertion happening in the day, he is waking up and eating a lot at night, which I am normally fine with since that’s what I have been doing since the day he was born. But today, I am just not cut out for it.
Yet, I coached myself through the mental pep talk and rolled out of bed. Took a shower and made coffee. The day has begun again.
I have a partner who is a great father, more hands-on than the majority of dads. However, the burden of motherhood falls heavily on me, since I am breastfeeding. Plus, E has decided to start a new business in our first year of marriage and parenthood.
Despite how hard E tries, his extra time (what is left of it) is dedicated to the startup. Yes, he does rush home to spend every moment with O. It is still not enough. What about me, I need time with my husband, too?
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It is a holiday to remind fathers and children to celebrate and honor mothers for their hard work. Yet, I can’t seem to find myself to celebrate. I would really prefer a normal day of regular sleep and eating. A quiet and relaxing moment to be in awe of my child. It seems such a mockery to be sitting down and eat a fancy meal.
This is my beef with holidays like Mother’s Day. It is no-one’s fault that our society has become the way it is. (I mean, my husband could have made better decision like not starting a new business when we chose to become new parents… but what is done is done.)
Change is much needed, though.
I am writing this post to not whine, but rather perhaps, to remind everyone that a mother’s journey is long and arduous. Having society places unnecessary pressures on us is plainly disrespectful. In this day and age, despite how progressive and supportive a male partner is, the heavy load lies on the woman’s shoulders.
I guess I could go back to work full-time and hire a nanny. But I would miss out on O’s learning new skills. I love every single moment I spend with O, even when I am insanely tired. So it is a deliberate choice I am making, being a full-time stay-at-home and working part-time. It doesn’t make it easier though.
All I can do is take it day by day. Enjoy the moments because my little guy, he is growing up way too fast.